"Each wedding gift should be acknowledged with a written note within three months of receipt of the gift. It’s best to write the notes as soon as possible after gifts arrive, however. Write a note even if you have thanked the giver in person."
Emily Post, the mistress of American manners
Opening gifts at my San Francisco bridal shower, 2008.
Hand-written thank you notes to everyone!
(Photo taken on an old wind-up disposable)
The past five weddings I have been to in the last year I have given a nice gift.
I have not received a thank you note for any of those gifts.
It actually makes me feel a little sick.
But many of my friends have said "People don't really write thank you notes anymore- your family is different than most people." (Yes, my family writes thank you notes for just about everything!)
So if people "don't really write them anymore," should it become "people don't really give gifts anymore"?!
Which leads to my etiquette question for you.
Here is my rationale:
1. Bride/Groom's family throw a wedding to help bride and groom celebrate their nuptials. The family invites guests to celebrate with them as close family and friends. Typically a large amount of money is spent on food, beverage, rentals, etc for the comfort of the guests, as a way to express appreciation for the guests taking their time to come and celebrate.
(Summary, they give a party to guests, guest give their attendance, so its 1-1)
(Summary, they give a party to guests, guest give their attendance, so its 1-1)
2. Now the gift. Why do guests bring expensive gifts? I presume in part as appreciation for the effort and money spent in throwing the wedding. (Because I believe most of us don't give gifts for weddings we are not invited to, so we must not be giving gifts purely to shower the newlyweds that we know).
The way I see it, guests are never required to give a gift when they go to a wedding. It is called a gift after all. (Do you agree!?)
If I take the time and money to give a gift, what grounds are there for not writing a thank you?
Did any of you not write thank you notes for wedding or shower gifts?
How do you feel when you don't receive them?
How can I even be sure that my card stayed on my gift at the reception, or that my gift arrived in the mail if the bride or groom don't send a note?
I'm feeling tempted to not give gifts to any but my very closest friends, or to not spend as much money, because frankly they don't seem to be very appreciated!
Or am I just old-fashioned?
12 comments:
I see your pain... we have been invited to many weddings and we have seldom received thank you notes! But we always received warm thank you's later, at occasions of visits. But I have to add we have a lot of non-Amerian friends and customs are different elsewhere.
My daughter goes to many Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, those kids mostly send thank you notes.
We not always give gifts. Depending on the closeness of relations we might. Especially at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, often entire grades are invited and I have hardly ever seen the kid, nor is my daughter a close friend.
The same goes for birthday parties. Small gifts or gift cards, usually we do not receive thank you notes.
Truthfully, we do rarely send thank you notes. The exception would be in case of a wedding or let say graduation.
I personal do only expect such a note if we give a more elaborate gift.
I do it at very formal occasions.
And anyway,I do not really go by the American etiquette rules...
Is this bad???
thank you for your thoughts! I do think thank you notes can be superfluous, but for things as basic as a wedding, when a nice gift is received, I would think any country's etiquette would say some acknowledgement of gratitude is in order.... I would even appreciate a nice email thanking me for a gift! or a facebook message!
No, I agree! I love thank you notes! It's one of the few ways that we can take a step back from our techy-run world and do something old fashioned and heartfelt and beautiful for a little while
I understand your frustration. When you put thought, effort and expense into a personal gift, it is always nice to receive some acknowledgement. I have totally been frustrated at this same scenario. However, I think the truth is this, when we give a gift we should give it freely expecting absolutely nothing in return. That's what makes it a gift :). - from your annoying older sister who's still learning this lesson.
ugh, camille, i know that is true in theory... but it is annoying to not know if they even received it. it just seems like such a one way street, because the bride would be upset if a gift wasn't given (which she shouldn't be), but guests can't be upset if we don't receive any thank you for giving a gift...
That is tragic! No, seriously, and I'm not even a stickler for manners. I felt horribly guilty waiting two weeks after the honeymoon to write ours, but everyone under the sun received one and on pretty "John and Katherine" letterpress stationery. Anything less is unacceptable. What is the world coming to? Graciousness is a virtue.
xx
thank you katie! that is my sentiment EXACTLY! so how about we start a revolution to bring thank you notes back?
am I allowed to use shaming tactics on brides?! (I am only partially joking!)
My mother would kill me if I didn't send a Thank You note! I think it is horrible that this new trend of not sending them out is happening. Have we just become so digital now, they think if they thank you on facebook they are good?! haha
Cute blog by the way... you looked "perfecttion" on your wedding day :)
hi alycia!! you know, even a facebook thank you would be better than not a peep. I just don't know what to do about it!! stop giving gifts? ask them if they got my gift (aka, hint at a thank you)? or just straight up say, "did you decide not to write thank yous?"
well My mom has always taught me to write my thank you notes PROMPTLY! And honestly, I start to feel strange if I don't. The old saying was, in my family at least, "Before you use it, write a thank you for it!" And that is always the way it was for birthdays, graduations and now weddings! I have found with all the wedding shower presents I was engrossed in putting everything away that I ALMOST forgot to write mine! But I didn't! THey were later than they usually are, but I made sure to write a handwritten thank you from Crystal and Geoffrey. I love you Corinna, but I kinda agree with your sister on this one! Give without expecting anything and when the thank you's come... you will be blown away! :) I promise you this, you will always recieve a thank you card from me. And if I have ever slacked in this area, let me know! and I am so sorry!!!!
I just had my wedding and I think hand written thank yous are a MUST! I wrote them for all my showers and of course for my wedding gifts. As for a gift, it is a GIFT. Just because you invite someone to your wedding it does NOT mean they owe you a gift. With that being said I LOVE all of our gifts and truly appreciated our family and friends thoughtfullness. I also believe you don't give a gift to get a thank you card.....
Even if the gift were not elaborate or tasteful it is always polite to thank and the route to do that nicely is via thank you notes. I am actually writing one now for a belated birhtday gift.
I understand your frustration, but personally feel you shouldn't lose that sweet gift-giving side of you because of the neglectfulness of others.
If I ever get married and shock horror... you end up coming to my wedding bearing gifts, I shall of course, send a very sweet thank you note :) x
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